三五七年

昨晚通宵改论文,改到四点,终于mail了。虽然还不是最终稿,但后面基本都是走过场了,总算可以轻松了一些。心血来潮的决定去西湖边看日出。人到毕业时,都有点神经兮兮的。 

四点多的天,已经很亮了,很蓝很蓝。骑着车,吹着风,有点凉,我的睡意被赶得远远的。西湖一片云雾茫茫,连湖中的几个小岛也若隐若现。极目之处湖天一色,混混沌沌,就像未来一样,看上去很美,但总觉得理不清楚。 

遥想当年,大概是初中的时候,第一次来到杭州。那次给我印象最深的,是保俶塔和白堤的柳树。杭州很美,但那时的我却对杭州有点不屑。杭州不是大城市,没有让人热血沸腾的快节奏,或者说没有血性。高考,我一直都把目标定在上海,我认为那是我该去的地方。剧情却如此的出人意料,七年前一系列小概率事件的连续发生让我和杭州重新结缘,而且一呆就是六年…… 

五年前,应该是选专业的时候吧,又是一岔路口。我仔细选了一个方向,做好计划要走下去,走着走着就发现跟自己预想的差太多。后来的很多事情实际上就是凭感觉,走一步算一步,一直走到现在,居然还真让我跳到另一条路上。我总是很感激那些帮助过我影响过我的人,现在回想那段日子实在太惊险了,多一个或者少一个事件我可能走的路就完全不一样了。 

白堤我走过无数遍了,印象最深刻是三年前的生日,我给自己请了一个晚上的假,自己陪自己到白堤散心,自己哼小曲给自己听。那段日子太苦,也许不是最苦,但最有代表性。人是有控制欲的,当能有效控制住自己,排除了各式各样的干扰,理性的做自己该做的事情,最后也成功做出来了,其成就感是相当大的。当然,我后来也想过不能一直保持这样,那样就跟机器一样了。只是说保持着指哪打哪的战斗力还是很必要的。 

不得不提到还有那些她们。有时候我想,如果当时什么什么的话,我可能就直接找广东的工作了,然后过上一眼望穿二十年的生活。说实话,如果要我在现在的offer和安稳的生活之间做一个选择的话,以我的个性可能就回去了——我确实没什么大的野心,我很知足;也可能是在杭州呆太久了,血性被消磨得太多了。又如果当时怎样怎样的话,打死我也不会去北京这座伤心之城——我承认我是个逃兵,落荒而逃的逃兵,没想到我又回来了,某种意义上以复仇者的姿态。还有很多很多的如果,但结局永远只有一个,我面前的路只有一条。 

小概率事件在我身上发生得实在太多,其结果是我很沮丧。想我三五七年前作的计划,没有一个能和现在的路对得上。难道我不要计划吗?没有三五七年前的计划和预期,就不会有对现实的不满,就不会改变路的选择。计划总是跟不上变化的,大方向要计划,具体细节临床把握判断决定实施,想好就做,动作要快狠准。 

马上要去北京了,但对接下来的三五七年,心里真的没谱。如果在广东,我能一眼看穿二十年的话,那么在北京,我看到两三年就不错了。人生如棋,在广东和杭州,我都有落好的棋布好的阵,只要不乱下保底是没问题的。北漂四千里,棋盘一下子大了这么多,变数也跟着上去,真担心自己能否驾驭这么大的棋局。但如果能把这盘棋下好,以后回去就完全不用怕了。其实我也是很好奇自己的能力到底能下多大的棋。不管了,先沉下心好好工作,相对稳定以后找个mm领证。2011年11月11日是个不错的日子,嗯。 

在杭州六年了,被这座女性化的城市打下了深深的烙印。正如我之前的判断,我的个性和杭州是有冲突的,以至于这些年我一直受其影响保持快速的变化,甚至变革。杭州的温柔给予我细腻的感觉,我甚至习惯了用自己的感觉去判断事物。做事情不仅仅是目标驱动了,也可能是过程驱动——因为我享受这样的过程所以我去做。我甚至对杭州有了强烈的归属感,因为我身上有着这座城市的元素。可惜再过些日子,归属感将彻底消失,即使以后再来到天堂之城也物是人非,带上了客人的标签。也好,在北京恢复点血性吧。 

五点钟的白堤很美,早起的鸟儿已经在枝头歌唱,有的已经张开翅膀飞向西湖的另一边。既然上帝给了你翅膀,那你就尽情的飞吧,看看自己能飞多远多高。飞累了自然会归巢,认得路就行。

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